eTherapy Solutions

Secrets 86-95

86-     Remember you are unique and have individual worth.

87-     Don’t allow others to define who you are. 

88-     Every time you have a success, you should pat yourself on the back

89-     Take Responsibility for your actions.  Don’t make excuses.

90-     Forgive and have compassion for yourself.  You never need to be your worst critic.

91-     You deserve to be happy.  Let go of any personal guilt and see your value as invaluable.  Embrace happiness.

92-     If we feel negative emotions they really are not worth defending.  If you want to be happy, do what your happy feelings tell you and don’t listen to the unhappy emotions.

93-     Take education courses that are specific on teaching how to increase personal growth.

94-     When you see something you admire in someone else try to do the same yourself.

95-     Are there hobbies you have been interested in or are attractive to you?  Make a list of 5 hobbies you would like to work on and choose your number one option and then take action to make it happen.

Growing up, my father did not have much of any values.  If I wanted pornography I just had to ask for it.  My father thought it was harmless and so did I by default.  Time only increased how much I needed to get the same experience.  I thought that my involvement with pornography wouldn’t hurt anyone so it must be harmless.  For years I lived my life.  If anyone saw me they would see this person who had everything together.  But I had a deep deep secret.

I met my wife at a friends get together.  We laughed and got along incredibly well.  Within a few months we were married.  I knew who I was marrying, but she did not.  In fact, I didn’t think it was important to tell her my “little secret” especially since it wasn’t hurting anyone else.  I can’t believe I actually conned my self in think this.  My wife was sweet and understanding.

She didn’t find out about my involvement for the first 2 months.  But because of how heavily involved I was it wasn’t going to be long before she found out.  And she did.  That is the time I mark the first time I broke her heart.  She was devastated and blamed herself.  She didn’t understand why I could like pornography.  Throughout the years she would find out again and again.  Each time I told her I would stop but I just hid it harder.

Children were born and life on the whole was good.  But when my wife found our younger child looking at my stash of pornography he had found in the garage that was the last straw.  She was done.  Not until that moment did I realize that I had everything and blew it.  I was in denial.  I didn’t really believe she would leave me, but she did.  She said she had given me more than enough chances and she could not bare to have her child fall into the same path.  That was it.  We divorced soon after and she moved across country to live with her family.

I literally had everything but didn’t know it.  Not until I was in the depths of despair did I finally decided I need to regain control of my life.  I went counseling and worked through the 28 days to freedom workshop.  Within 1 month I felt different.  I actually had hope.  Even though, I was able to change my self, I didn’t get my family back.  I do believe that as I continue my life I will be able to be real.  I will not have pornography rule my choices.  And if I remarry, my wife will know the truth and will never be hurt by me in that away.

Pornography use has a way of distorting what is real and what is not. In fact, those who are married who have been involved with pornography or sexual addiction probably can contest to this if they look within their situation. Let us explain. How much do you love your spouse, family and children? Would you give them up for anything? If you never were able to have the same relationship with your spouse or children; If you had to move out of your house and start renting an apartment, how would you feel? What if you had to start paying alimony and child support. What if you were forced to accept a divorce and then the see your spouse get married to someone else. What about not being able to see your children as often or having them getting angry with you in the future because they blame you for ruining the family. The list could continue.

All of the these scenarios are what makes up the 99% of what life is about. These are the things a person doesn’t think about when they are in the middle of looking at pornography or indulging in sexual addiction. All they are thinking about is the 1%. The 1% is what the addiction can give you. It can not create a real relationship. It will only give you pain and it will never fill your well.

Unfortunately, in the middle of addiction you will give up the 99% for the 1%. Addiction makes the 1% more appealing then the 99%. You don’t think of the future pain only the present gratification. All too often people do not see this until it is too late. Then when the 99% finds out by accident or are tired of being forced down the road of your choices and want to move a different direction, it is at that point the person addicted is feeling the loss…the great loss.  This is the point the realize how they were side bared by their addiction.

Don’t give up what is most valuable for what will give you significantly less in return.  Make the right choice today and live.

What we can expect is without much effort we will search out the biggest reward with the least amount of effort. If you wait for things to be different then you might have to keep waiting. Real life changes do not happen spontaneously. Sometimes we have push our selves when we don’t feel we have any more energy to take the different path. What we will quickly find is we will rarely if ever regret the other path. In fact, the reward will be longer lasting when we take action and remove ourselves from our comfort zones.

Far too often, we desire to overcome our problems or enhance what is positively happening in our lives. More times then not, we don’t do what is required to actually make the change. We can’t express enough, how often this happens. The world is full of good intentions, but that is about as far as they go. Change makes change, we have said this before and we will continue to say this.

How can you show today your seriousness to overcome your issues with pornography and/or sexual addiction. Look at what you are doing day-to-day. Are you actually putting in the effort needed to succeed? Many people will spend more time watching television then what is most important in their life (living pornography or sexual addiction free).

A religious man spoke the other day about how many times he has prayed to God to help him overcome his problems with addiction. He went in depth in regards to how much he has pleaded for help, but never felt his prayers were answered. He was quickly asked, above and beyond the praying how much had he done to put an end to his problems. His answer was, “minimal.” Perhaps, if he showed to God his desire to end his addiction by taking a few steps on his own first, maybe he would feel more supported. You can’t expect anyone to do the work for you….even God. You are meant to grow from the experiences gained from overcoming your addiction.  No one should cheat you out of that personal growth.  You will become a better person because of it.

Start today and do something different. Don’t just do it today, incorporate it into your daily activities. Make that change a part of what you do. Good luck and happy changing.

What is the best kind of pornography filter is up for debate. We have heard some say the best filter is that which sends a report to a loved one of the history of all viewed sites. Using this method allows for the porn user to break down the secrecy to their problems. What they do on the internet does not get to be their secret any more. Another method that has been suggested is a filter that has a control panel. In this control panel limitations can be placed. A password is used and access to specific sites can be limited.

Another great method is using an ISP who filters the pornography before it ever gets to the computer. What is fantastic about this option is there is no way to go around a filter. It doesn’t matter if the password was left off, because it doesn’t rely on passwords. Also, those who might piggyback off your internet signal will not have access to pornography through the internet connection.

Some filters use skin tone to block out images. We personal support the use of this option since you can never know what will be found from site to site even if you have good intentions. It is better never to seen an image then to have seen one, and then try to forget it.

Recently we found a statistic stating that 9 out of 10 children will have an accidental exposure to pornography. This only reiterates the need for protection. You can never have enough protection.  Even if you don’t feel you will ever have a problem with pornography, you have to think about your child, grandchildren, friends and anyone else who could get access from your computers if they were not protected.

 Secrets 76-85

76-     Instead of playing loud or hard music, make it uplifting and positive.  This has been linked to better mental health.

77-     You have to decide on what you have the power to control and let go of the things you do not. 

78-     Go to the movies with a friend.  There is nothing like a good laugh with a friend to brighten your day.         

79-     As you go through life, be nice to others even if you don’t feel like it.  Treat them as you would want them to treat you.

80-     Don’t drink alcohol. It takes away you inhibitions but not your problems. 

81-     Don’t assume to know what other people are thinking.  You don’t have that power.  Assuming will only cause you pain.

82-     No matter the situation try to learn from it.  That way you can move on to the next situation.

83-     Try to be patient with everyone around you.  The less patience we have the worse we will feel during those moments of impatience.

84-     Don’t be critical of the people around you.  Most of the time the thing you are being critical about, the person didn’t do it on purpose and a good chance you have done the same thing.

85-     Give yourself permission to love and accept yourself for now and then you can decide what you want to improve on in the future. Go for it!  You can be happy with yourself today.

Many have often shared their experiences of their spouses who are addicted to pornography or have a sexual addiction. A consistent theme is the amount of hurt and pain finding out about their spouses problem. Most have felt betrayed. They begin to doubt themselves. They might even take on some of the blame.

If you find yourself to be a spouse of someone struggling with pornography and/or sexual addiction then you probably have gone through or are currently going through Grief stages. Your world has been assaulted. You probably didn’t know what was happening and probably would have been more cautious entering a relationship had you known before what were the real circumstances.  Either way, you are here and you have to make big decisions.

You have to decide what is going to happen next with you. Some will run and some will not. If you chose to stay the course, the biggest issue that might arise is your ability to forgive your spouse. To forgive them for the hurt, and pain they caused you. The humiliation you felt. The self doubt that was created.

Forgiveness will be a key in your ability to succeed and move forward. Forgiving does not mean you accept what they have done and move on. It means you do not resent them any more. You allow yourself to get back what you once had or close to.  You make a “new normal.”

Just recently, we had a woman and man come into our offices. The woman didn’t say a word as the husband came back into our individual counseling rooms. He said, that he was doing really well with overcoming his addiction, but as we could probably sense in the waiting room, his wife was angry with him and could hardly stand to be around him.

Later when we asked her how she was feeling considering the circumstances she reported that she was glad that her husband was doing better, but she just couldn’t let go of the hurt he caused her. She said as she thinks about what he put her through, anger comes throughout her body.

If that relationship is ever to continue and possibly recover in any healthy manner, she is going to have to work on herself.  Every time, we will suggest the spouses of our clients seek help as well, so they can move away from the anger and begin to forgive. Don’t let your spouses addiction continue to eat away at you. If this is your situation, seek help to get the support you need to move to the next step in your life.

Our thoughts are very powerful. If you had an early exposure to pornography, you can probably recall the image you saw. Our brains are similar to a hard drive in a computer. It records everything and stores it so at some time it can be recalled. If you think back far enough there was a time when pornographic images or thoughts didn’t take much of your time if any.

Unfortunately, as we entertain one thought, it soon becomes two and then three and so on. Each experience in itself is not enough to destroy, but it is the culmination of many thoughts that take on the power. I met with a client recently, who starred with a dumbfounded expression. He had asked me how he had “got” so far into his addiction. My response to him was, one step at a time.

We hear people justify pornogrpahy and throughts all the time. That is all the media teaches as well. But what we do know, is pornographic thoughts and exposures unchecked can turn into something so big you may not have the power to control.

Recently I made a visit to the state prison. I spoke to a group of individuals who had been sentenced for sexual abuse. I asked the group how many of them had issues with pornography. Every single one raised their hand. We had a discussion for over an hour. Each person shared their experience where they had control and slowly over time they had none. In fact, they were doing things they could never had imagined doing.

Most of them said they were glad they were caught because they didn’t know how they were ever going to stop their problem. In fact they only could see it picking up more speed. They felt there was a need for intervention. Each of them were in counseling and in a 12 step group. Not one could admit they were in control of their problem, but they felt they at least had a chance to get there.

Now, if you look at pornography it does not mean this is your fate, but it is always good to know of all the possibilities. Some times the fear of losing everything can be powerful enough to nudge us in the right direction to make change.

In your busy day, how much time do you devote to your relaxation? Remember this doesn’t count the time you are taking a nap, watching television or surfing the internet. This is time that is spent to purge the stresses that have built up throughout your day. As you are trying to stop pornography in your life or trying to get help with an an addiction, you must begin to realize there needs to be certain pieces added into your life to help you get where you want. If you expect to do the same thing each day then you can never really guarantee you will ever win over your addiction.

Each and every day you must figure in a time where you can relax. This can come through exercising, breathing, stretching, yoga, going for a walk, clearing your mind and not think about your stress for a few minutes. There are many different approaches. You have to decide for yourself what will work best given your situation.

You will notice a huge difference in your attitude as well as in your physical emotions. Next time you sit in front of the television to decompress get up and sit on your porch or do something else more productive and rewarding. Begin to recognize any differences that come from using a different method to relax. What you will find out is the “old way” of taking care of your stress doesn’t work. If it did, you more likely would have more control with your problem with pornography or sexual addiction.

Try it out. Do differently by taking time out of your busy life to relax.

Have you ever noticed how your environment can influence how you feel? If you are next to someone screaming at another person, do you feel comfortable or are you feeling a strain? When those around you are reverent can you feel a a peace? Most likely you will say yes. If you don’t then you probably haven’t taken enough time out of your busy life to notice. The fact is, we take on the emotions and feelings of what we surround ourselves. If you want to be successful, then surround yourself with success. If you want to be miserable then surround yourself with things that will not bring us success.  The concept is that easy.

Interestingly enough, too often we make these choices unconsciously. Perhaps we have friends who we find to be great friends, but they don’t maintain the life that we want or they don’t have similar goals.  We also might go to places or have items that are not conducive to our happiness.

The  goal today is to begin to notice the environments in which you find yourself and see how you feel while in them.  Once you begin to recognize the effects of your environments, you will have the power to change them.  This one piece of the puzzle can make or break your ability to succeed.  No matter how much you want recovery, until you can chose the right environment your forward progress will be hindered.

Have you ever looked in the mirror and spent a few moments talking to yourself. This may seem odd and even abnormal, but talking to ourselves in a mirror can be quite empowering. You will rarely loss when you perform positive self talk and with addictions you will definitely win. Try it out. Take a moment and look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself all the amazing things you have been able to perform in your life.  Sometimes we have to build our self esteem and this little trick won’t cost you anything, but is known to be rather beneficial in the therapy world.  Any thing you can do to positively increase how you feel will be beneficial to your success in recovery.

Secrets 61-75

61-     Define what your morals and principles will be and then put them into action in every choice you make.

62-     Be the first to greet people. Smile and say “Hello” or try to get to know them before they beat you to the mark.

63-     You do not have the power to change another person.  You can influence them through your example, but that does not mean they ultimately will change.  The reality is you only have the power to change yourself.

64-     Invest in your personal growth.  Look each day to find what you can do to grow, even if that growth is not attained all this very moment.         

65-     Take the initiative and call someone and ask him or her to meet you for lunch.

66-     Be realistic with your goals.  Trying to be perfect right now in this very moment can only lead to disappointment.  Appreciate what you do well and have accomplished.   

67-     The pessimist never changes anything except for how they feel.  Nothing is ever lost my being optimistic.  Even if it is ultimately unrealistic, at least you get to feel the positive that comes from being positive.

68-     Recognize triggers that may cause a lack of mental health. This might be in thoughts and behaviors.  The sooner you can realize you are on a destructive path the sooner you can get off.         

69-     Learn something new each day. If we aren’t learning we aren’t moving forward.

70-     Don’t allow anxiety to rule your life.  Nothing will change by being anxious.  If you are worrying about anything, try to find a solution or forcibly change the direction of your thoughts.

71-     Make decisions for your life.  Think of everything that could go right first when making those decisions.

72-     Purse your dreams. 

73-     Take risks. Don’t become paralyzed because of the possible mistakes.

74-     Make sure you have a strong support system.  These are people you can rely on during difficult times.

75-     Accept who you are today.  Ultimately that does not mean you can’t change, but it also doesn’t mean you have to beat yourself up all the time. 

Often enough addiction takes over its victim.  Trying to remember who you were without may seem impossible.  As we work with individuals struggling with pornography, masturbation or sexual addictions their is a common theme.  The addiction has taken such a hold on them they have forgotten how to live without the “Monkey” on their back.  When breaking the cycle, it is much like a table.  We remove the legs of the table (the addiction).  Once that has happened there has to be something to replace what was once there.  The reality is, who you were before the addiction is no more.  Through your recovery you will find that you will have to replace the addiction with the “New” you.  As you begin to define yourself, the therapeutic tools and technique you incorporate in your life will be what will hold you up and keep you succeeding

Take a moment and think about what you have done different to end your addictions. If you have had any success was it because you did the same thing you have always done? My bet is probably not. What I have found is by the time I have a client come into my clinical office their efforts to end their addiction doesn’t exceed much beyond their strong desire to quit and pleading to a hire power for help.

The reality is, change takes change. Look at the methods you have used and keep what has worked and discard the rest. It is important to begin “doing” your addiction differently.  What ever your method, if it doesn’t take time then most likely you are not doing enough to actually succeed.

The more “put out” you feel the more likely you will see change. I believe the more techniques and approaches you implement into your recovery process the more likely you are to have a positive outcome.

One of the main reasons, people fail with overcoming their addictions is they rely on their own willpower to get themselves through.  Unfortunately, if will power was all you needed you would have gotten over your problems long ago.  There has to be more added to the equation before you will really find the results you are looking for.  The biggest first step in the 12 step program is to recognize you actually have a problem and that it takes a bigger role in your life than you would like to admit.  If you can admit and realize the magnitude you will realize more than just you needs to be involved in your recovery.

Think back to when your problems started with pornography, masturbation or sexual addictive behaviors.  How many people have you involved in your recovery?  If you have allowed people in, did you actually let them help you?  Begin to recognize how your problems are bigger than just you.  In the last several years I can’t count how many of my clients were held back in their success to overcome addiction until they decided for themselves they need more than just themselves involved in their recovery. As of to day and if needed, humble yourself so you can see in yourself how your willpower is not enough on itself.  Take this step and soar!

Secrets 46-60

46-     You might consider playing mental games like “what if….” This will force you to think about things you might not have had the time to think about.  Make sure you don’t limit your self because it may sound dumb or sounds embarrassing.

47-     Make a scrapbook of your achievements.  You can include pictures of you at any age.  Pull this book out any time you struggle seeing your value.  Some times we need a physical reminder of what we have done well in this life.

49-     Have a get together with friends who are positive influences in your life.  Play a game with them.  Spend that time being up lifting to each other.

50-     Build Trust in some one you have struggled believing in the past. Don’t allow what others have done in the past to continue to take away your energy in your future.

51-     If you have the internet there is a game you can play.  Using the ABC’s start on your favorite website go to the next link that begins with a B and when you get to that page you can only leave through a link starting with a C and so forth.  Be cautious of course of inappropriate websites, but there can be a lot of funs as you go to websites you never would have visited before.

52-     If you have difficult falling asleep you might try not to watch television before going to sleep.  Drinking a glass of warm milk or drink a cup of chamomile tea before going to sleep.

53-     Another idea if you struggle falling asleep, listen to soothing music after you lie down.  This will help shut down your thoughts and forces you to focus on the mindless music.

54-     Buy magnetic words to go on your refrigerator.  Make a positive message to your self or a family member each day.  Perhaps everyone can build on the message day to day. This can be a fun activity and can emotionally build all people involved.

55-     On a healthier note, eat foods high in calcium such as dairy products and leafy green vegetables.  There have been research studies that have linked these items to better mental health.

56-     Perform the squeeze technique for 5 minutes a day.  Got to a place where you won’t be disturbed and sit down.  Relax your entire body and then from the top of your head to the tips of your toes tighten everything and squeeze it as hard as you can for a few seconds and then release for a few seconds and then go through the same routine for the five minutes.  You literally will begin to feel the stress of life leaving your body, creating better mental health.

57-     Get involved in Church or Community activities.  Many have found believing in a higher power can give them strength and purpose in life.  They can also provide opportunities to serve other people.

58-     Spend thirty minutes a day and exercise.  You might switch between aerobic and cardiovascular workouts.  Many Many studies have linked the endorphins gained through exercise are attached to the pleasure center of the brain.  So more or less, if you exercise you will be happier.

59-     Give positive affirmations to yourself each day.  You might even look in a mirror each and tell yourself that affirmation.  Make sure you maintain eye contact.

60-     If you are working or going to school, compete to improve yourself not to beat those around you.

The single most important issue you may face as you are battling with pornography, masturbation or sexual addiction is whether you are willing to change. This question is loaded if you didn’t already notice. It is easy to say you will change, but to actually do it is a different story. Think back to your history with these issues. Truthfully, how many things have you actually done to end your addictions. More times then not, a few attempts here or there have happened but no significant behavioral changes have occurred long term.

Interestingly enough, as humans we typically put the least amount of energy and efforts towards the things that will actually make change in our lives. Think for a moment. Do you watch television, play video games or search on the internet? Do you spend more than a couple hours doing involved in these things? If so, then most likely you spend more time occupying your day with things that will not change your circumstances and probably as to a priority list are concerned, the acts are far below what is most important in your life, yet they get the most time.

If you are serious about ending an addiction, then you ought to give more time and dedication to the things that will actually make a difference in your life.  In fact you might think about doing the what will create change in you more than other wasting times in places that will not. Take a few minutes today and think about what you are spending your free time on and then make a plan on how you can incorporate doing things that will actually move you forward with your goals.  Commit to change and do it starting today.

There are two types of emotions. Primary and secondary. Typically we make the mistake and show our secondary emotions rather than our primary. Let me explain. Anger is a Secondary emotion. When something happens to you that makes you angry (i.e. somebody is rude to you for no reason) the feelings of being angry is not what you are really feeling. We can quickly come to this emotion, but how often do we really understand the real truth behind it.

Based on the example given, when someone is rude to us, if we were to look at what our true emotions are, we would probably find that we might have been embarrassed, humiliated, devalued, discounted, fearful, flustered or a million other emotions. Then typically we skip right over this real emotion, because they are more difficult to express. What if instead of becoming angry when someone is rude, begin to feel the real emotions. Maybe you cry, or allow yourself to feel disappointed or whatever the emotion you are feeling. This is a giant leap into the right direction.

Once you start getting good at identifying your true emotions, then when you start feeling sexualized or feel the need to act out by having sex, looking at pornography or masturbating, begin to discover the real emotions behind what you are feeling.

Some might say they are “horny and that is it. There is no other emotions behind it.” This is not true. An addiction can distort what is really true. Our bodies can become conditioned to physical stimulation. It will crave this feeling and you can experience real withdrawals in short periods of time.

Next time you are feeling “sexualized” go and try to figure out what you might really be feeling. Maybe you are tired, lonely or alone, discouraged, hungry, dissatisfied, want to be loved etc. Then instead of acting out sexually, try to feel what you are feeling and satisfy your REAL need instead of the sexual one. What you will find is, you will get more satisfied by taking care of your real needs instead of being fooled by your SECONDARY needs.

I have had a huge demand to introduce a Discussion Topics category. This will be an opportunity to discuses issues related to pornography and sexual addiction. The only rules is to keep to keep to the topic.

The first discussion topic is addiction hereditary. The answer is, based on the latest articles researchers are finding a connection to addiction and heredity. This of course is not in all circumstances, but the word is, an addiction is acquired their can be noticeable differences in the brain functioning of a brand new baby. Several years ago, I watched a video several researchers had worked on. They first showed a cat scan of an individual who had no mental health issues nor any addictions. What was seen was the section of a brain with yellow haze throughout the picture. They then took a cat scan of an individual who had been addicted to heroin for more than 15 years. What they noticed was the brain section was almost completely red with some orange. This was an indication of brain damage and stimulation. This person went 6 months without using any addiction and then returned to have another cat scan. There was a noticeable difference in the scan. There were only a few spots of red but mainly orange and some yellow.

They then had the guy leave the room into another. On the table was a seringe and what appeared to be heroin. They left the man in the room for five minutes before taking him out and putting him under the cat scan again. Interestingly enough, when they saw the brain section, it was significantly red like before when he was using.

And as I remember, they did show an offspring that was born with a parent with addiction and a parent who never had an addiction and there were similar results.

This project stemmed much research. Our brains remember the addiction. That is why we can never put our guards down, or we ultimately will lose. Once susceptible to addiction always susceptible. There is also the possibility to pass down the addictive nature that comes from addiction. What do you think about this discussion. Are you skeptical? Share with us your thoughts.